My Life

Many thanks for the continued flow of suggestions for decent people. With the exception of ‘my friends’, which does not count, and the addition of Patrick Moore, who I suspect does, I think we’re going to have a publishable first XI soon enough.

In the meantime, thinking about John Peel’s incomplete autobiography, and noting the current qualification for getting a publishing deal for spilling one’s life story (two years on the telly, by my reckoning), I’ve been paying more attention than I should to the distractingly unhappy art of the autobiography title.

Recent efforts have increasingly reinforced the basic rule that celebrity autobiographies, particularly for sportsmen, should have titles like tabloid headlines. So, former Englan wicket keeper Alec Stewart is ‘Playing for Keeps’, while intermittently uxorious golfer Nick Faldo says that ‘Life Swings’.

The weakness of Faldo’s effort got me thinking: surely things would work out better if we started with the punning title and created celebrities to fit?

So the straight-talking music producer telling it like it is will be ‘On the Record’. And the architect who brought bright and cheerful child-friendly environments into the mainstream, despite a battle with the bottle, would of course have ‘Swings and Roundabouts’. The ex-racing driver bled dry by paternity suits and rapacious ex-trophy wives? ‘In the Pits’. The effervescent fish shop mogul? ‘Chipper’. The fashion designer whose life has been a flurry of scandalous rumour? ‘Utter Bobbins’. The Barnardo boy who made it inhaute couture*? ‘Rags to rags’.

I could go on. Instead, a question. What should the autobiography be called of the person who ghostwrites all of those
celebrities’ autobiographies?

* No, I don’t know what Bruce Oldfield’s autobiography is called, but if it is‘Rags to rags’ I’m claiming the credit.